when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
