If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
