I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I supernannyed him into submission
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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