I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
