She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Will exercising make me less horny?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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