8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
