a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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