I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
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