i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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