All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
