seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize