I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Randomize
