i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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