We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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