Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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