oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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