Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
there's paper in my vomit.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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