You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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