if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize