You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
operation have a gay friend backfired
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
