Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize