the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize