remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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