Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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