I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I AM VODKA MAN
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
