listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Randomize
