On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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