I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
