Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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