Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
