you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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