Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
