You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize