you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
