I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
