She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize