Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Randomize
