dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
