so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
