I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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