Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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