hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
