I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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