I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
