Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
