Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
