I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
