It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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