She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
