tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
