Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
