just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
