WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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