Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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