I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
