Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
