I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
