When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
