we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
