The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
