If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
