Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
