She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
