The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
