Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
