I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
