my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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