I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
